I mentioned last Friday that I've been going through a hard time recently. Little by little I've been telling people about my troubles. First, I told my parents. Then I told my best friend. And now I'm sharing that news here where I'm anonymous, so I guess it feels safe. Each time I tell someone new, it helps me get used to the idea and I think that's good and healthy. So thanks for being another audience in my life.
So let's get to it. My husband and I are in the midst of splitting up. It's one of those heartbreaking things where we still love one another, but we want different things and seem unable to change or compromise for the other, which makes it almost impossible to be happy in the long run. I'm not mad at him and he's not mad at me. We've been almost entirely civil and good to one another through this process, except for a few slip-ups where emotions were understandably running high. I wish we could figure it out, but we just can't seem to make it work. Someone has to change and I'm not sure either one of us can or wants to be what the other persons needs.
We've been having troubles for a few months. Then things got really bad about a month ago and our relationship hasn't recovered since. Last weekend, we mutually decided it was time to end things, and now we're dancing around the issues of logistics of splitting up/do we even try to do something like marriage counseling. We've been together for a long, long time. Married for ~2.5 years, but together for over 11. It's just hard to completely let things go when you've shared a life with someone for over a decade.
Anyway, it's certainly thrown a wrench in my writing plans, because frankly that stuff just doesn't seem as important when you're losing the person you've loved for so long. When you're having to figure out what comes next (do I quit my job, do I move back home, what do I really want?), reading and writing kind of takes a back-seat. I've still been working on my NaNoWriMo novel, but my heart just isn't into it and now I've fallen too far behind to hit 50K. Not sure I care though. I woke up this morning to write and before I could I was swamped by a good memory of my husband and I just couldn't bear to sit down at the computer. I missed him so much.
Even though we'd definitively decided to split up last weekend, I felt ok through the week. I knew I was in denial though. It didn't hurt, because it didn't seem real. It was like watching a bad movie about somebody else's life. Then this weekend I think reality hit both me and my husband pretty hard. I vacillate between wanting to move on and begin an independent life versus trying to address these issues with the help of a professional. I wish we had each been clearer with the other while we were having these problems instead of going into our default and non-productive conflict modes. I want to yell, he wants to hide, and neither way works.
I'd compare how I feel right now to sitting on a wave. When I'm feeling good about the decision, it's like I'm riding the crest of the wave, but I can still tell that I'm going to come back down again and feel low and horrible; like I'm making a terrible mistake. Up and down. It's exhausting.
I watched a lot of movies this weekend (along with other healthy activities like running, walking, making healthy food, texting and making plans with my best friend, etc.), and can I just say that When Harry Met Sally is a very underrated breakup movie? I found it very pleasant and reassuring to watch those two become friends in the midst of their own breakups. It's just a good example that even after a breakup your life will go on, you'll make new friends, and meet someone else, and it does all that without relying on totally obnoxious RomCom cliches. Harry and Sally don't really like each other that much when they first meet, but they don't hate one another. It's not this super antagonistic relationship. It's just a casual acquaintance that eventually warms up into friendship. I liked that. It's so much more heartening to watch, and certainly more believable than the other RomCom I saw this weekend, You Got Mail. I'm sorry to say that movie has not aged well. Tom Hanks is fine in it, but Meg Ryan was just terrible, like she was doing a bad impression of Meg Ryan, America's Sweetheart. Funny to watch her in two movies back to back and have such different visceral responses. I found it really stupid that anyone would believe that Meg Ryan's character in You Got Mail would ever have the slightest romantic attraction to the man who put her out of business. That's just absurd and frankly, it's hard to respect a woman who would do that.
Anyway, just my two cents. I'm not much of a RomCom lover, but if ever there was a weekend where I needed that kind of entertainment - this was it.
Alrighty, feel like I've whinged enough. I feel hopelessly sad, but already even a smidge better having written this out. Maybe later this week I'll make a brief list of things that have been helping me get through this breakup.
If I get behind in posts, now you'll know why. I'm dealing with some major personal loss. But I'll do my best to keep writing. It helps, it really does.