Last month I mentioned that my husband and I were in the process of separating. It's a sad, difficult decision, because it's mutual and we're both conflicted. We're not mad at one another, we're just not sure how to fix the same problems that keep coming up. In short, we just want and need different things. I suspect this is a fairly common problem, but that doesn't make it any easier.
So I've been doing a lot of self-care to help me through this. I've found it harder to write fiction, so I'm letting myself take a temporary break from it (the pressure to write was making me feel crazy), but I have been keeping a journal, which I find very useful to work through my thoughts.
I've also been doing a lot of other activities to help me feel more stable. In brief, here's my list of what to do during a breakup, just in case it's of any help to you.
1) Give yourself a weekend of "Treat Yo Self." Eat what you want, watch what you want, spend what you want. Not forever, but for those first horrible days it really helps to treat yourself. For me, I bought myself a new pair of shoes, watched Mad Men, ate at Taco Bell, and laid in bed all day.
2) When you're done with Treat Yo Self weekend, then consciously practice A.C.E. This works. Such a helpful tool. I keep track of my A.C.E. activities in that same notebook that contains my logistics list and my journal. It helps to keep this information all in one place.
3) Call or talk to your parents, but don't smother them. After those first few days, I made myself try to get over each emotional low for at least an hour. If I couldn't do it on my own, only then did I call my mom. It helped prove to myself that I was tough and that I would eventually be able to get through a day without totally relying on her for emotional support. It gave me confidence in myself.
4) Find a small notebook. Instead of calling your ex, write down what it is you would say. Write out your thoughts and feelings. Patterns will emerge. You'll realize what was really bothering you. When you have a weak moment, consult the notebook to remind yourself that there are real issues at stake and you are making the right choice.
5) In that same notebook, make a list of logistical things you need to do (e.g., where are you going to move, money stuff, possessions, insurance, etc.), then put it aside. Add to the list as you think of anything else that needs to be done, but don't worry about it yet. After the first week or so, only then begin tackling each item one by one.
6) Watch When Harry Met Sally. Excellent and very optimistic breakup movie.
7) Take long walks, go for a run, strength train, take a dance class, whatever. Just make sure you're getting regular exercise. For me, the best part of my day is taking my dog on her long morning walk. I always feel better when I'm outside with her.
8) Put away the junk food and make sure you're eating healthy meals again. For me, that means cutting out the processed food (or limiting it to the occasional treat). I love to make this soup.
9) Call your friends. Make plans to hang out. Remind yourself that you have a lot of people in your life who care about you and vice versa. I'm going out to Dallas this summer to see one of my best friends and it's the first thing I've had to look forward to in a while.
10) Smile and be nice to everyone you come across. I don't know if it's just because I've been wanting more warmth lately, but I've been dishing out the smiles and small talk with all sorts of strangers. And people are awesome. Without fail, they are so nice right back at me. When you feel lonely, a smile or kind word from a stranger can mean so much.
11) Make a list of people you admire who have gone through a divorce. It really shows you how normal it is. Here's my list:
The point of all this is only that there are positive steps you/I can take to work through this. It's a challenge, but not a disaster, particularly if we keep a good attitude.
For more tips, check out this google doc compiled by the Death, Sex, & Money listeners. There's a lot of great advice in there.
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